The Ghost Who Walks

“I cook, yet my father-in-law says, where will she cook, she would brought it from the market. it is only the older daughter-in-law who cooks.’ Rachel was saying.

she was also talking of her how she had returned from college, cooked and laid the table for dinner and had laid the table, her father-in-law calls out to his wife saying, ”oh! do come for dinner, Dan has laid the table.” Rachel says it is not laying the table or her father ghosting her that upset her it was Dan’s silence in both cases, his brother Stan would have stood up for  his wife.

“ my mother-in-law calls out to Derrick, even if I am walking in with coffee, or one of the kids but will pretend I’m not there,” if she has no choice then she bangs the table, or she claps her hand. this was from Maggie. Maggie is quite clear that she is being ghosted not by her mother-in-law but by her husband.

“It’s been more than 6mnths, since my daughter called’ was Nancy’s take. she was unaware that her daughter had bought a pet and that the pet died. it was only when she saw her daughter’s Instagram status, she realized that there was a pet. Nancy asked her husband Mark if  Arabella her daughter had bought a pet, that’s when he told her ‘ oh! she brought the pet home in July, it just passed away before Christmas”

so, when young ones talk about ghosting it is not just about dating ghosting happens all the time. the worst thing about this is like Gowri mentioned… “ your husband does not stand up for you, so your mother-in-law continues ghosting you. since the power point is the mother-in-law, the maid takes the cue from her.’ when Gowri shared her anguish with her mother, her mother’s take was “if all of them are treating you like this there must be something wrong with you, you should correct yourself”

maybe she is right it could be sudden loss of purpose with kids going out, or change in power equation with elderly parents in law

I find these women who are extremely capable who gone all out doing things for themselves and their family suddenly become irrelevant.

of course, it is disheartening. There is also a huge reluctance or conditioning that stops these women from putting themselves first and buying that Pizza that they would like to eat because the mother-in-law/ Father-in-law/ Husband does not want to it.

With current wave of self-care, husband goes for his walks and eats his almonds  but when Amritha does something for herself there are barbed comments. Kids tell her that she is taking potshots and she is toxic, but if she says this is bothering me then she is complaining. If she responds there is a war, if does not then she is being passive-aggressive. Internalizing has cost her health. When she called me, she was in a state where she was surviving only because she did not want to commit suicide.

Interestingly Amritha did think of moving out the fundamental question would be where will she go? and when you are in your mid fifties it is a huge step to take.

Roma headed a Multinational companies HR division, her elderly parents in their 80’s refused to move out of Goa. Her husband was working as a finance head in another multinational his parents refusing to move out of Calcutta so he was there looking after them, Roma here taking care of her parents, and their only son was doing engineering in Patna. They were dysfunctional for almost 4yrs. When the son finished engineering his job brought him to Calcutta by time they function as family again they were strangers to each other.

Each of these women had an experience to share which was classical Ghosting

• They take for ever to respond to your texts.
• They do not respond to texts or pick your calls at all.
• There are statements for coming home for holidays but the holidays are never dated.
• Then plans are made and the plans are cancelled.
• They do want to be seen with you in public.

It is easy for us to tell the kids, move on, you don’t need a toxic relation but how do you deal with it when it is your family that is ghosting you….

when I listen to these women I think, of a tale that I would write based on Lee Falk’s Phantom — Ghost who Walks,  only my Phantom was not Kit Walker but a female version of him. I called her Christabel Walker… so there is walks.

The next part was how do we cope with it.

Imagine Maggie telling her mother-in-law ” Ghost me all you want but after the third week, I will become a ghost and not respond at all”

Maybe Rachel can tell her husband,” it was nice being with you for 30yrs, trying to know you keeping socks clean… all the best for the future”

Nancy did a very dignified thing, she texted her kid, after the kid didn’t call despite of promising to do so for the third time. The message was as follows, ” I has been a while since we connected, just wanted to check if you are okay.” She said she wanted to share that she was sad and confused by the kids going silent on her. Clearly they were not on the same page… all she could say was bless you.

Getting ghosted is not fun, though we have all been guilty of being the ghoster some time or the other. Lets hope who ever ghosts us finds what they are looking for. What ghosting does is it is like a sudden loss or grief. We go through the circle of shock, denial and anger. It is the dehumanization and the devaluation that is devastating.