bringing up mother – Parwatisingari's Weblog

Mah jawbox ay dishes–rescuer — Big Bosch!!

I am hurt, angry and want to forget that I am 50+ and stamp my feet like the youngest inner child trapped in me,

BlogAdda you have hurt me so terrible, that I shall go and eat some worms, big ones small ones wriggly wiggly one.

Don’t stare at me, okay I get it you are clueless about what inspired my ranting okay.

Remember the time when you are young and you have the next 20yrs years to build your dream life, I was there once. And my dream house had a wonderful kitchen right out of inside outside magazine with a Nikki-Tasha cooking range and unnamed brand of dishwasher and unnamed brand of washing machine.

When I set up my own house, I realized that there few tasks that can be akinned to the torture of Sisyphus and housework was one of them an never ending cycle of the clean becoming soiled, the soiled having to be cleaned over and over , day after day. I hate it…

“I do the dishes in my house, because nobody does them the way I do it,” this is a quote from either Bill Clinton or Bill Gates I am not sure, but I hate it…

Standing with sleeves rolled up and arms in the sink, is not how I like to end my day. My thoughts go round and round and it occurs to me, if I ever wrote a book, which I attempt every November it would of the stream of consciousness type and deal with an hour in the life of a woman, at the sink. I feel resentful at Mr. Tee and Jay as they plonk right in front of the TV while I am cleaning up the mess, of course nobody compels me to do it, but a sunk sink at 4am is not a welcome sight. More importantly I would be sitting on nails with dishes not done, or laundry not aired.

You know one of the wisest advice I received about kitchen chores came from my mother, “Do the dishes when you’re cooking” I visualize myself stacking the dishwasher as I cook.

I dream of buying that dishwasher. I have walked up to the IFB kitchen got the pictures and quotes, the only thing I get to hear…

“Oh! It is fine for us in US, even in US we don’t use it for all our dishes” one bay area house wife advices.

“Oh! It cannot be used for Indian cooking, our cooking is greasy” next NRI gyan.

“It does not really reduce work, you have to rinse the stuff and put it in,” — it cannot more frustrating than washing dishes already washed by the maid, because, “she travels by bus and you do not know if she who she was sitting next to”

If this Bosch demo was open to people outside Mumbai=Bangalore- or Delhi, believe me I would apply, if I know the dates at Mumbai/Bangalore I would still manage after all with my family being Bangalore based and my in-laws from Mumbai not a bad deal.

I visualize myself, recording the demo, and then asking those questions I have the check list

Can I wash the wok in it?
Can I wash the milk vessel in it?
Can delay the onset, — that really does not matter, for I can run the dishwasher and set the clothes washer to start when it is done.
What happens if the power goes off in between
How much of water will it consume – can have the used water collecting at a place to recycle it?
How much of power will it take?
How much of floor area will it consume?

But (my nostrils flared, fists clenched, rib tightened) BlogAdda, you deprive me of a chance to present my case to my family.

Think about this, everyone, wants to save the earth, but nobody wants to help mom do the dishes, and no matter how much I hate it, most discussions of feminism refuse address the question who does the dishes, yet at the end of the day those damn dishes are there in the sink and they have to be done!!

The only redeeming factor of the lack of a dishwasher is you get the ideal time with appropriate emotional backing to plan the perfect murder mystery … how else would explain the juicy murders penned by Agatha Christie?

Paying Cinderella

Its Pay Time — Cinderella

All my commitments and targets are not really met, simply because a large chunk of my time goes in playing spider solitaire and I play solitaire whenever I have to get back into a working frame of mind. Housework I realized did eat into a chunk of my time.

of course I did reorganize my work schedule to optimize my efficiency but new challenges like travelling, in-laws moving in I was getting overwhelmed and having temper tantrums, fuelled by menopausal mood swings it was time to call the cavalry. Or rather hire help.

Growing up in feudal environment I never really I just took things and the domestic help for granted, as I did when I set up my own house. but the last 5yrs I have been without domestic help, (the family accused me of not being able to retain help), never mind I had one before, when my daughters were young it was full time help, and then part time.

Yet when people did show up for the job, I was clueless how to handle it, I actually sat down to figure out what was the core issue here, it was I did not want to someone to do my work, ironically on one hand I cribbed that my vagina did not come with a I’ll do the housework clause yet I was reluctant to hire a maid.

The first step was for me to figure out what were my priorities I realized I wanted to have a house that was running, and lets me honest my command being obeyed I did not want to relegate command.

Once the decision to hire help was taken the next step was finding one, the best possible way to do it, is to seek help from our community and people we know. They are the most reliable way of finding good help. The people who introduce become referrals, usually a person working in a friends house is looking for a job and that is how most people connect. We left the informal “wanted info” with the watchman, the milkman the fish and vegetable vendor.

We also looked up reliable placement agencies based on the recommendations online, while www.quikr.com did get back to us with their referrals quickly the vendors they referred to us did not get back.

When the chief of security got the person, he told us that she was Nepal and her background check and police verification was done, I was quite taken aback for never in my 50yrs of life have I heard of a background check done for domestic help since most of them came by referral through mutual friends or connects. But now it is mandatory to have this check done.

Most of them asked me what are the jobs to be done, again I was a little agitated, then I realized that unless I told her what I expected she would not know. Before I spoke to the maid I had to create my check list

What are the working hours, day off etc.
What are the jobs that I delegate to her.
How do I want it executed.
What are the rules of the house regarding phone
What about food and tea.

Like I mentioned before in the feudal system we did not worry, it was assumed that food was taken care by the employer, sometimes the help took home left over too. so were medical expenses either the employer paid it outright or if it is was too large then it was an interest free loan. They were part of the family, I remember we got two of the girls working in our house educated, one learnt tailoring and “Delhi cooking” so she has a “Delhi durbar” a small wayside restaurant at a village where lot of truckers travel. The other did her graduation is a pharmacists assistant. Another maid we had, was an impoverished semi-educated lady, so my parents got her daughter married and as per the Indian custom took care of her entire first delivary. Actually last month her daughter built a house and my mother sent in the gifts as if it were for her own daughter.

This kind of bonding may no longer be there, but yes we do need to give them respect and treat them the way we would like to be treated. When my last help quit I was quite upset because there was a bit of flare up with the other house she worked, then I realized I was so caught up with my illness that I had failed to recognize that the maid was diagnosed grade one cancer and had to go for therapy the other lady did recognize and support her. We need to be involved a little bit in their lives too.

Sometimes there might be work beyond the designated time, it should be adequately compensated for, how you do it is between the two of you, but it has to be acknowledged and dealt with.

Working with Mr. Roland Martins in the consumer awareness and women’s forum I was aware though domestic help is unorganized sector and it is rather not very practical to cover them, there are certain guidelines to be followed. For example we never really discussed the medical expenses. I still don’t intend to.

Anyway, coming to the domestic workers in India, the Domestic Worker act was introduced in 2008 – it deals with registration, social security and welfare. This is applicable to both men and women, though as the presence of women is larger it becomes more significant to women. The state government governs its implementation as it is subjected to the state legislation.

Applicability:

Applicable to whole of India except the state of Jammu and Kashmir.
Not applicable to domestic workers who have immigrated for employment to any other country.
Employment of child is prohibited under any law for the time being in force as a domestic worker or for any such incidental or ancillary work.
Implementing authority under the act will be Central Advisory Committee, State Advisory Committee And District Board.

As per the act any person older than 18yrs, but less than 60yrs, and is engaged in any domestic work for not less than 90 days, in the preceding 12 months can be registered as a domestic worker under Section 16.

Any domestic worker registered under the Act who lives in the premises where workplace is situated is entitled to 10hrs of rest between the ending and recommencing of work. Also workers living in the house are entitled to 15 days paid leave annually. Section 22—Working Hours And Leave With Wages.

All registered domestic workers should be paid minimum wages as per the minimum wages act 1948

The Act has specific safety and Penalty provision (Section 23) in cases where any person knowingly sends, directs or takes any girl or woman domestic worker to any place for immoral purpose or a place where she is likely to be morally corrupted or in manner sexually exploited. Such a person can be subjected to imprisonment for a period of 6 months which may extend up to 7yrears, and fine up to 50,000 Rs. month or both

Any service provider who contravenes the provision of the act can be punished by 3 months imprisonment or/and 2000/Rs. fine. Obstructing the inspection by an authorized person or refusing co-operate faces the same penalty.

Anyone knowing abetting trafficking of domestic workers, faces a penalty of 3 -7 yrs imprisonment and/or Rs.2000/- as fine.

States like Andhra Pradesh, Bihar, Karnataka, Rajasthan and Jharkhand have included domestic workers in the schedule employment with hourly, daily, monthly wages fixed by the states. For example Andhra has a minimum per hour wage as Rs.12.5/hours, Rs.107/day or Rs.2800/month.

With the passing of the Domestic Workers Act 2008, domestic workers are slated to receive pension, maternity benefits and paid leave that is a weekly off. Workers living on premises are entitled to 15 days paid leave annually, and 15days otherwise throughout the year. Constituting a district board has been proposed to ensure the proper implementation of the act.

http://blog.localcircles.com/how-to-hire-and-retain-household-help/

No HouseWork Day

There are something’s akinned to Chinese torture.. Endless… repetitive and monotonous one of them is house work. The clean becomes soiled, the soiled is cleaned over and over again, dust-bunnies seem to invade the minute you take a shut eye. It is kind of like growing up never finished.

April 7^th is that utopia day of #NoHouseworkDay, I put in the twitter status and went right back to making breakfast, maybe I should have called few friends and we should gone out for coffee, well instead, I am serving left-overs and finishing my outdoor work.

This holiday was created by Thomas and Ruth Roy, at Wellcat.com; you are permitted to do anything this day except doing house work. It feels good when the reason not do house work is legit. Initially it was the National No Housework Day at Uncle Sam’s Land, now it has gone worldwide.

I was wondering how I could celebrate it

Maybe trade places, I lie in bed and get MrD to do all the housework…maybe book a slot at Relooking for a head massage. Maybe head to this club with a wonderful library and great coffee and camp for the day… no still better I plan to ignore the sunken sink, the grimy floor, and damp laundry, at the end of the day, if the item does not multiply, smell, catch fire or block the refrigerator door, turn a blind eye, apparently no one else cares, so why should you?

Happy No HouseWork day…

Bed 15 — H1Ward.

Bed 15—H1 Ward

The clock ticked…

Against the quietness of the ward it sounded like pounding rather than ticking. Sarvishta looked; there was something about the terminal ICU that was inhumanly human.

H1 bed 15, was an elderly man, a powerful magistrate of his time, with him was his brother, a senior professor, and son, a leading businessman. Sitting very composed was the magistrate’s wife and younger son, all looking rather helpless.

It is quite scary at a point to see, the patriarch, the strength and the navigator of the family story lying helplessly on a bed with tubes connected all around.

Just that afternoon, her husband’s ex-girlfriend Sarasa had called from Chennai.

“Look at the two responses,” Sarvishta’s husband commented, “one hand there is Sarasa, who is very concerned about her father, she was telling me, that she would be flying down to Kenya as schedule and if anything happened to her father, she would have to return. On the other hand is Ajay, his father is on the ventilator, the doctors have given up, he has returned to states and is asking me what to do.”

Sarvishta wanted to ask him, so they are two situations, what do expect them to do, but she was too tired for a full blown discussion. Maybe because he had never been there, the point when you have to accept that mantle, take a decision. Actually she had not really heard the conversation through she wondered what did he expect.

She could empathize with the family at bed H1 or even Ajay, going back and forth, from being so young that the world was not so big, one could see everywhere and then papa was a hero and not a human being, to being so burdened with the choice of letting or hanging on.

When her own father had died she thought the world had crashed, she was drowned in this abysmal sense of loss that she wanted to whimper for everyone to hear, I have lost my father, my world is no longer the same, no more is warmth of the pre-dawn conversation, no more is the 6am call, my safety net has had been removed and I was endangered. It was at that moment Sarvishta wondered if that was why father was perceived as God, father’s inspired us to measure up, while mothers loved us unconditionally or so it is believed.

Most of us learn to engage with the world outside, from the odd moments our fathers teach us, you know those moments when they are not trying to teach us, we are formed by little scraps of wisdom that we pick up and quilt on to the fabric of our conscience.

She was brought out her musings by the ward sister bringing in coffee, “Doctor, ami Piku bhagitle, the movie has brought out father-daughter tension and bonding so well.”

Sarvishta smiled, “sister ani dhon, cup coffee haad,” looking at professor and his nephew, the younger son had taken his mother home.

While sister went to brew the coffee, she slipped back to memories of her own father, his tears and fears unseen, his love never vocally expressed,yet his care his protection through out her life, to the day she had her morning coffee in his presence.

When in a moment of depression she had tried to end it all, he had held her hands and said,”I know you have done nothing wrong, I know don’t need someone else to tell me that, I know the daughter that I have raised. I fear for you future, not for your character, my love and trust accompanies you no matter where you go, my concerned is you should have that nest to return to.” From then came her moment of recovery.

“Sir,” Sarvishta called handing them the coffee.

It was as if, the coffee took the decision, the Professor who was normally everyone’s strength supported by his nephew, three of them had their coffee in silence.

Sarvishta was back at her father’s,

“Vishy, he is in pain, a person from beyond is calling him, you are the last bondage let him go child.”

The decision had been so painful, holding her father’s hand and telling him, “Papa, I am your daughter I am strong and will survive, you can move on when you are ready.”

A week later he was gone.

“If nothing changes by morning I think we shall take him home,” professor said handing the coffee mug back to her, they sat there in silence a moment of compassion, and strengthening.

The bad influence

“They say I should stay away from you,” I said. “They said you’re not good for me.”
“I’m not,” he said with a wicked smile, “But doesn’t that make it even more fun?”
― Kassandra Cross, Black Magic: New Adult Witchcraft Paranormal Suspence Romance

Ever thought what this being good for some one or being bad for some is all about. Quite often then not I think it more the fear of the umbilical cord cutting, suddenly from supreme reigning who is all knowing the mother’s knowledge bank gets questioned.

Sometimes we fear, that out child might grow beyond us go to another level, and may not be able to accept us, the child might reject us.

There such funny notions and quirks that come to play, like this mother who did not want her daughter to fraternize with her niece because the niece wore lace bra’s and every one knew that girls who wore lace bra’s before marriage were of questionable morality. Today the daughter, and niece are both in their fifties, yet the mother tells her daughter,”Why do you have spend so much of time in conversation with her, you know she is a bad influence.”

When the child gets the first friend from outside the closed circle, the child actually invites another energy, another thought process, and as long as we equip the child with right values the child should do fine.

I know one mother, who insisted that her child was good, and brought up, “properly” but it was the influence of the others he associated with that made him misbehave, the bottom line was,” my book is not botched.”

Probably a more interested question to ask is why did the child choose this friend?

Why does this particular question bother me?

Why does this thinking pattern upset me?

It used to bother me, that every time there was TV sit-com on my daughter would pick up the most moronic character to empathize with, and it would upset me no end. the entire thing surfaced a day ago when someone told me, that I was “wile, unfunny and not in the least bit clever” that was when I caught myself, that was my inner child, being less intelligent… and hey presto the inner child popped, not being good enough…. most mothers are probably dealing with the same issue, though we all wrap in up in our protective, righteous or moralistic wrappers,

Not that the monsters of peer pressure and teenage experimenting does not exist, not that negative influence is not around, but it may not be as big a bogey as we feel. Since most of us feel only when the child thinks differently from us. we have to find the other to blame.

I remember telling an aunt this, if anyone says, I am responsible for her child’s bad behaviour I would thank her, because, no mother accepts that her child is easily influenced, if I can get someone to choose something over the strong upbringing she has given that makes me so much more powerful!!

“The only people you have to look out for in life are the people that don’t care about anything or anyone. These are the people that end up teaching your children.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Ps— i donot know why this piece insists on being written. Everyone is welcome to take potshots.

Walking into the sunset

Listen well while I tell you a story

Of a boy and girl in the spring

When the first flowers bloom into glory

Every bird begins to sing…

I am talking of the eighties, the baby boomers, girls taking up careers was accepted in the middle class families, and when I say careers, I mean courses like engineering for girls had become acceptable,

Long hours, crazy schedules, girls then were out to prove they were not fragile, they could handle work the night out like the boys did, it was a time of huge shifts in energies, suddenly people with high hormone levels were put in the same space.

There were intellectual bonding, physical experiments and God Knows what else, the original generation of hell raisers, Rhonda was one of the first girls to ride a bike, and carry a back pack, before backpack became establishment, now that it has Rhonda’s personal statement is a stylish handbag

It is strange despite the fact that choosing your own partner was no longer a taboo, the girl who married mama’s choice of course got the golden halo.

Amidst this wonderful scenario, refusing to marry half dozen of her classmates who proposed to her to be frank between you and me, it must have been sheer fright… Rhonda ran away to a town where she was anonymous or so she thought.

In the bustling department of endodontics, there was the head of the department, and Rhonda being the intern was the tail end, in between two junior doctors and two nurses to assist. Guess what, august 10^th the department had a drone attack of conjunctivitis most of the junior doctors down with red swollen eyes that the medical superintendent drove them right back to their quarters, which left the Head and the tail in the department to deal with twelve appointments.

“Doc, I will take the patients that I can and we shall reschedule the rest.”

When the boss says something the minions obey,

As the nurse set the operating table, presto… emergency… a young man with absolutely swollen cheek and splinter embedded, since this above the intern level of expertise, the big man dealt with it, and Rhonda to deal with rest until he finished the emergency… behold the nature’s bounty the next one with the front tooth swollen, now the big man tells gets the tail end to attend to it, without no word whatsoever to the reception that was the epithet for what is glamorously called patient care or public relations today.

Eleven thirty the nurses are changing the trays and a young man with ochre blazer and corduroy jeans turns up,

“Excuse me… do you have a watch”

“Yes”

“Do you know how to see the time?”

The voice was very sarcastic, “yes why”

“well, it is nearing 12 and I had an appointment for 10 am,” with the PMT and everything happening that was the last straw, Rhonda was almost in tears….that seem to soften the guy the nurse spoke to him apologized and rescheduled the appointment.

A week later Rhonda meets Mr. Ocher Blazer again,

Three Root Canals and a year later they were married.

Twenty five years and two children later, Mr. Ocher Blazer and Rhonda live on different planets individually together.

“This blogathon is supported by Woo, The most popular match making app in India with a base of over 3.5 million users.”

Shopping-Wise

Yup, I am talking economy of emotions, finance, and a feeling of empowerment.

I am just recuperating from listening to a whining session of how things are expensive, how her then separated now deceased husband has left her stranded, honestly I find it difficult to be considerate here, if your bank balance is 1000/- you need to buy food, and I don’t see the logic in blowing up 750/- for inner wear. Maybe I am being insensitive here, but I think it is essential stop playing victim and equip ourselves to face the situation.

The choice of Jaywalking to the mall or creating peace is with us. it is great to Declutter homes and lives.

My mom worked on a monthly budget, while grandma worked on a weekly one, the menu would be roughly drawn for the month. Now that my mom is seventy-two and sometimes does not like going out to shop, I do it online with her, again have just tweaked her rules,

Plan your meals, before going to the grocery store, she is particular even online we use grocery store only… I do cheat and peak at amazon.in or homeshoppe18.in, but by and large we go to Bigbasket.com or other grocery store.
Clean the refrigerator and check stock before making your list.
Shop with a shopping list, this is kind of the best financial friend. It produces focused shoppers and stops us from mindless browsing which eats into our time.
To compare prices, the catalogs and internet pop-ups render me cold, so I shut them all down and stick to two shops. Bigbasket and Amazon
There is no question of lugging kids, to the online market, that is one respite.
Discounts and sales do not really count if the purchase is made on credit card, as the interest rate eats up the saving. So any shopping, particularly books and artefacts, or electronic gadgets here is what I do
- Do I need your?
- Do i love you?
- Do I have a place for you?
- How long before I fling you?
- Do I have another one of you?
If cash on delivery option is available I use the cash on delivery option as it allows me to account for it immediately, if I do use debit card I do an entry immediately.
I do a boogie fling before hitting the purchase button. No matter how enticing the offer I do not buy it unless I really need it. I use an online control journal, and I note the receipt immediately so I know how much I have spent.

I have also slotted a day in the week when I do the shopping, for non grocery, like clothes, or electronics, or books. The grocery shopping once a month, two lists one for my mother and one for me.

When it comes to major purchases we do look up user reviews, but again the information available is too vast. www.aspectwise.in is an interesting place to check out when you are buying electronic goods, you could actually go to the website and check it out. I tried choosing a mobile and it did work quite well. AspectWise also allows you to compare restaurants, hotels, home electronics.

Happy shopping stay economically healthy and empowered.