Individually together


ImageI  am I in thought

I am you in love

Individually together let us live this life.

There is no more lovely, friendly, charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage—Martin Luther.

The serial love marriage vs, arranged marriage advertises that the failure rates are greater in love marriage, well this was true some thirty years ago. Over the years, things have altered.

My cousin Vani had an arranged marriage 25yrs ago she was divorced about 15yrs ago, the reason was very simple, my aunt could not let go of her daughter, she micro-managed the daughter even after marriage.

Raj’s wife filed for annulment after a month of marriage, reason her parents blackmailed her into marrying Raj when she wanted to marry someone else. This was after all the horoscope matching etc. Etc.

Hari’s wife divorced him after 6 months of marriage, the reason same as above.

Nihal’s marriage landed in a divorce too.

All these are arranged marriages, and are spread over a span of 10yrs. Then there was Sharanya whose marriage landed in a divorce some 20 yrs, her husband was a sadist, Meera is divorced his her husband was schizophrenic.  The tales are many.

But the failure lands in the intimate husband-wife relationship in an arranged marriage, many times shockingly the individuals are pretty prudish, shocking in this day and age.

I am not saying that the so-called love marriages is the answer.  Like Amy Grant says the more you invest in a marriage the more valuable it becomes.

When the partners get married by choice the onus of making the marriage work is theirs, when the marriage is something that the families work out then the family becomes the role player.

Communication is another essential part of marriage, and people well-meaning ones particularly need to stay away.

I remember while we were dating, and after we got married, my husband made it a point to pick me up from the bus-stop/where ever, and drop me too. when he drops me off he ensures that my seat is okay, my luggage is out of way, my friend saw it as way of his establishing his male superiority. Why not just accept it for what it is, someone being concerned.

Mamta put up with a drunken abusive husband for fifteen years, because, a divorce would upset her parents. Another patient was in a silent abusive marriage, that is her husband was not physically violent but he was into the Brahmakumari movement that told on their relationship, her parents insisted that she stays married because he did not drink, smoke, beat her up or was not involved with another women. Her own physical dissatisfaction was brushed aside, and she was told not be so “forward.”

Interestingly when an arranged marriage fails, the girl either gets a lot of sympathy or raised eyebrows, depending on whether she is an introvert or an extrovert, while if the marriage was the decision of the two partners, then fingers point.

At the end of the day, Evelyn Duvall and Reuben Hill are right when they say the kind of marriage you make depends upon the kind of person you are. I you are a happy well-adjusted person the chances that your marriage will be a happy one. If you have made adjustments so far with more satisfaction than distress, you are likely to make your marriage and family adjustments satisfactorily. If you are discontented and bitter about your lot in life, you will have to change before you can expect to live happily after.


6 Replies to “Individually together”

  1. You appear to be a humanist. I feel that LIFE is something which you have to see being in others’ shoes. I agree with you about the “onus’. Nice writing. Keep it up. I wonder, how you find time for writings despite being a medical doctor–don’t say where there is a will there is a way.
    These are real cases, and I am counseling the patients with choice therapy. A therapeutic option

    1. No, sampath, it is majbori ke naam mahatma gandhi, I am up at 4 as I am incharge of the family’s Jaagore-mission hence the time to write and I am a bit laid back in my practice currently as I am just recovering from an accident.

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