Wondering, what new I would have to add, after all the people you have been reading. Well not much.

I did my engineering and got married before I could find a job. The first flush of excitement, HI visa, I went with my husband, and by the time the green card came,  Keshav was born and then Kavita then came our citizenship. Somewhere I was reluctant but it seemed to he the right thing to do, from Karkala t Kansas was indeed a great change.

Despite of being an engineer like a true Indian well I don’t know if I should call myself baseball mom, I was definitely the Bharatnatyam mom. Keshav and Kavita attended the ‘sanskara’ meets with various families, where stories from Indian scriptures and our prayers were taught. We celebrated our festivals as a community, not to mention the annual trip to the Malibu temple.

Somewhere the Rao’s from Pittsburgh decided to start a Tulu brahmin directory since our children were fast growing up and we needed to find appropriate matches.

I loved knitting and crochet, so I keep making things for Kavita, until one day she just turned round and told me, “enough of things for me, now learn to do things for others”

I gave a condescending mama grin. 15days later died and the postmortem revealed a stage 3 growth in the intestine. I was devasted. So was my husband. We decided citizen ship or no citizenship we wanted to return to India.

The shift had occurred. I had lost my daughter, my world without realizing that my unprocessed grief over my daughter was costing me my son, husband turned workaholic, the only way he could cope with the grief, so did Keshav, he took in every additional course he could until we reached the brink.

The fragile tempers, the breaking down, and family and friends asking me  what sort of a mother I was didn’t take her daughter to the doctor on the first sign of diarrhoea not to mention the more malicious ones who claimed that American life led to Kavita’s teenage pregnancy. The despair, the loneliness was too much.

Staying indoors seemed to make more sense at least I did not have to face pity or experience the sniggering gossip behind my back. But I knew for my son I had to get out.

That is when a friend spoke of Brian Weiss and his workshop. My husband and I both went hoping for relief from this abyss created by the loss of our daughter. As the fortnight came to an end Brian Weiss told me, my journey was not over. I had to accept the message that the incident brought.

I was to find other girls who needed a mother. A mother was not just a biologic ova contributor, she was the very essence of giving.

Looking back though I still have much more to share, what was the biggest challenge that I had to face. Maybe a mother who failed to protect her daughter. What did that make? Powerless. There was a period of instability of what to do next? Should I adopt anther child? Should I just focus on house? it was no more hop=e;

Then the darkness and failures the self-doubt…maybe I could have done this or that. The guilt of neglecting the son.

With this there as a need to find answers again like Gopalkrishna Adiga mentions,”olida meduvidu raktamamsada besedu sonkina panjara…ishte saakendiideyallo indu yendu basara?” it roughly translates to why is this body that has pampered its all these years suddenly turned detached to the self.

The only way I could come out was rewriting my story… now my focus was grief for the daughter has to be processed, but I should be there for my son. Well for their father too.

Next step, identify the triggers of instability and despair.

Finally light can only radiate from within. Husband, sone they had their way coping up the best they could. I could only find the light within myself and share it.

The biggest change, in my life is from my family that lasted all my 56yrs, is that I am no longer the wife who took gaslighting, the mother who was the task master or the knave. The daughter who was her mother’s progress card.

I was the most potent card of the deck that allows me to find my light and share it.


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