I’ve signed up for Shobha Devraj’s gratitude club just for the fun of it. I mean I needed something new to do.
9-5 job at udayavani, some guest lectures at Gandhian centre, management course, communication college life was on pleasant humdrum. Daughter and son, wrapped in the bubble of a small town, engineering and then MBA the trodden path both the children moved away to Bangalore, Gautami her daughter moved to Germany as her company sent her there.
Shobha’s program was fun, she made us write gratitude in the morning, and believe me listing 10 things from the age 0-59 would seem so easy but remember it is 10x 27, and if you skip a day then you 3 back and start over again. That is when the beauty of life came across. There were so many small things one actually needed to be grateful for, like Joseph helping me with petrol, when my vehicle stalled and I had no cash those were the days before ATM or Paytm.
She made us, talk to the crystals, and believe me buying sage cleansing the crystal and sharing my happy moments with the crystals, made me feel so spiritual evolved I think Gautami and Gaurish my kids must have kind of decided that these are the early signs of dementia;
Shobha one day told us to start writing accounts, and hey presto I realized I really had no idea of book keeping. All I did was to keep income expenditure on and off, quickly I signed up for the Bajaj insurance literacy program and discovered that Bajaj insurance was not interested in financial literacy but was another con game like other network marketing. Now I have decided to learn from the kid next door who is her 11th standard commerce. What shouted to me, was the number of times I said ‘no’ to the universe and the amount of outstanding payments I have.to receive. Somewhere the feeling that the world owes me did turn up but then quickly it died too.
My usual tendency when someone gifts me something is to say no. but then ; I realized there was another form of gifting that had seeped into our various relationship. That is doing favours, and desperately anticipating others need, MIL would mention in the passing that she could not connect to her guru and I would call the Guru every hour till he picked the phone and give to her only to be told, that “oh! It was just something I do every day.” And I would feel so embarrassed about it.
I realized that lot of people did it, over-giving. It made them look loving and caring. It could also be trying to control people around them. compulsive giving, I think is ensure that people are obligated to us, how often have we not heard, “I did so much and this is what I get” the under lying fear is the fear of abandonment. When my cousins used to say “Kerry adjusts, and is not demanding” I felt appreciated, special unique and loved by all. Now I realize it is a euphemism, for no opinions, not taking a stand or committing to a cause. I didn’t really have to look after myself and somewhere down the line I had created this blockade to real intimacy, giving had to be balanced with receiving. The energy exchanges.
Definitely this brought me to giving and receiving in relationship. Even something we take for granted, like our spouse. Most marriages turn mercenary after a while, I wonder what would happen if a spouse turned round and asked his/her spouse
What does giving mean to you?
How sexually generous does your spouse find you? can you be vulnerable and open to the answer?
Do share your inputs in the comments section.