Bed 15 — H1Ward.

Bed 15—H1 Ward

The clock ticked…

Against the quietness of the ward it sounded like pounding rather than ticking. Sarvishta looked; there was something about the terminal ICU that was inhumanly human.

H1 bed 15, was an elderly man, a powerful magistrate of his time, with him was his brother, a senior professor, and son, a leading businessman. Sitting very composed was the magistrate’s wife and younger son, all looking rather helpless.

It is quite scary at a point to see, the patriarch, the strength and the navigator of the family story lying helplessly on a bed with tubes connected all around.

Just that afternoon, her husband’s ex-girlfriend Sarasa had called from Chennai.

“Look at the two responses,” Sarvishta’s husband commented, “one hand there is Sarasa, who is very concerned about her father, she was telling me, that she would be flying down to Kenya as schedule and if anything happened to her father, she would have to return. On the other hand is Ajay, his father is on the ventilator, the doctors have given up, he has returned to states and is asking me what to do.”

Sarvishta wanted to ask him, so they are two situations, what do expect them to do, but she was too tired for a full blown discussion. Maybe because he had never been there, the point when you have to accept that mantle, take a decision. Actually she had not really heard the conversation through she wondered what did he expect.

She could empathize with the family at bed H1 or even Ajay, going back and forth, from being so young that the world was not so big, one could see everywhere and then papa was a hero and not a human being, to being so burdened with the choice of letting or hanging on.

When her own father had died she thought the world had crashed, she was drowned in this abysmal sense of loss that she wanted to whimper for everyone to hear, I have lost my father, my world is no longer the same, no more is warmth of the pre-dawn conversation, no more is the 6am call, my safety net has had been removed and I was endangered.  It was at that moment Sarvishta wondered if that was why father was perceived as God, father’s inspired us to measure up, while mothers loved us unconditionally or so it is believed.

Most of us learn to engage with the world outside, from the odd moments our fathers teach us, you know those moments when they are not trying to teach us, we are formed by little scraps of wisdom that we pick up and quilt on to the fabric of our conscience.

She was brought out her musings by the ward sister bringing in coffee, “Doctor, ami Piku bhagitle, the movie has brought out father-daughter tension and bonding so well.”

Sarvishta smiled, “sister ani dhon, cup coffee haad,” looking at professor and his nephew, the younger son had taken his mother home.

While sister went to brew the coffee, she slipped back to memories of her own father, his tears and fears unseen, his love never vocally expressed,yet his care his protection through out her life, to the day she had her morning coffee in his presence.

When in a moment of depression she had tried to end it all, he had held her hands and said,”I know you have done nothing wrong, I know don’t need someone else to tell me that, I know the daughter that I have raised. I fear for you future, not for your character, my love and trust accompanies you no matter where you go, my concerned is you should have that nest to return to.” From then came her moment of recovery.

“Sir,” Sarvishta called handing them the coffee.

It was as if, the coffee took the decision, the Professor who was normally everyone’s strength supported by his nephew, three of them had their coffee in silence.

Sarvishta was back at her father’s,

“Vishy, he is in pain, a person from beyond is calling him, you are the last bondage let him go child.”

The decision had been so painful, holding her father’s hand and telling him, “Papa, I am your daughter I am strong and will survive, you can move on when you are ready.”

A week later he was gone.

“If nothing changes by morning I think we shall take him home,” professor said handing the coffee mug back to her, they sat there in silence a moment of compassion, and strengthening.

Putting my home in a backpack?

image courtesy Google

Somewhere there has been the invasion of my physical space, the space that I call home it is as if, souls that are not at rest, the dark forces have made their home and my entire house is sagging by their weight. Then disaster struck, the painters came calling. When we had to pull the house around for the walls to be painted. I realized the junk we had collected. It was time to let go.

Yet letting has been such a power struggle. The thinks that I know need to go, but when my husband Mr.D says it becomes this huge boogie man who is there to play the power game.  And most of the clutter was nothing but physical manifestation of unmade decisions, the article I cut out in 1979, the recipe that I noted in 1978, I mean the prints faded they are no more relevant. Somewhere they are fuelled by procrastination.

The toughest thing to face has been, when it’s my time to go this has to stay behind the best thing then to do is to pack light. When people have moved on, and they are no more in our space, maybe it’s time to let their things go too. The wooden rack that Kittdoddamma gave me is not really needed, I cling and each time I have to clean it I cringe, not a pleasant way to remember a lovely woman. When Maya asked me if she could have the rack since I was not using it, and she needed it, very reluctantly I gave it away, it was then that I realized letting go didn’t mean I do not care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person I really have control is over me. Letting go just release the weight that was attached to my ankles.

got to go

Maybe it’s the same about anything that has over stayed its welcome in any space. We are secure in the pond that we are, and change even it means cleaning up or organizing is scary. But unless one ventures out, the ocean, sea, will all be the mysterious boogie man. Holding on to something just because it is good for me, for now could be the very reason why I do not have something better…

Our surgery professor, Dr.Divaker Shenoy used to tell us, we are told that holding on, and hanging on are signs of great strength, but there are times when it takes more strength to know when to let go and then just amputate, you never know, you might learn to live without the limb or regenerate a new limb. Though it did sound stupid then, the logic does make sense.

The big boogiebag.

Throwing that junk away, has made my house lighter, and definitely more aesthetic. How true the beautiful journey of today can only begin if we can learn to let go of yesterday. Maybe that’s what it’s all about, the winter the shivaratri, about learning from trees, who are experts letting to, that makes them so incredibly honest, throwing all those stored paper cuttings, and letters, somehow made me realize that key to worthiness was not in those paper cuttings or the crockery on my shelf, it was as if I could suddenly pick up my suitcase of pride, and board a flight to freedom…. this I know is my Shambala… find yours.

We all accumulate things we do not need to keep, as these are the soveneers of the past, but they are also obstructions in the way of our future. Many times we have clung on to many are useless and meaningless things these tend to pile up, and take up space in life. Letting go of this is scary… here’s what I did, I went into a meditative phase with self hypnosis and gave myself this suggestion

To Keep or not to keep 

With less clutter, I will be able to focus more on what I really need and want in my life, I will be freeing space in mind and my life just like freeing space on the hard drive of a computer, valuable space can be used for what is important in life. I can imagine my life streamlined and clear with space around me and more time. I am now moving on and progressing. I have lost nothing because I have all my memories still in my mind, I can remember whenever I want to without having clutter around. I am more effective, productive and hence am able to progress in the direction that I want, to.

I remember reading a book long ago, that said, don’t keep the things you need to take and then decide the bag, decide the bag and then put the things in. preferably choose a backpack. Thats what I plan to do with my house.declutter 2

Coming back to the mundane true happiness for all, are the 3D’s

  • Declutter
  • Donate
  • Deduct– save money by claiming donation on your tax returns.


Releasing guilt

bannikaleshwari, the guardian
bannikaleshwari, the guardian

Permission to forgive ourselves

At the Landmark forum, we come across lot of stuff.

But usually what we are dealing with is grudges not let gone, and wrongs we have not forgiven.  Both wrongs done to us, and we have done to others, still worse is our inability to forgive ourselves.

So many of us seem to be dwelling in guilt that is like we are living our life with an anchor tied to our ankle dragging us down.

To accept something that I perceive is wrong is very difficult. My upbringing was such that I had been brought to accept that it is normal to feel guilty about my actions and by doing so, it made feel alright within myself.  The challenge for me was though I did feel that I had a reason to make up for the choice I made, it was more important for me to learn how to deal with it in a healthy positive way, through understanding and forgiveness, forgiveness towards both myself and others.

The exercises at the forum were designed to look back at our past and really assess what happened, and then I realized that there were many dimensions to my actions.  While feeling guilty did assuage my feeling initially it was just a short term solution.  I did find it rather incongruous that being hard on myself was the easy way out. The forum taught me to look at my life with clinical detachment, while hypnotherapy taught me look for what’s the learning here, but it was Louise Hay technique that made me look at my own life and action with compassion. The combination of the three made me realize that there was much to what I do and have done than I realized.

Maybe I was trying protecting myself or others and did the best I could at that time, or maybe I chose a solution at the heat of the moment out of sheer desperacy. Whatever be it dwelling on it only made me feel worse.  The interesting part of the exercise was letting go exercise, forgiving myself for the choices I made, or judgements I perceived and made, this lead me to heal resentment from the past.

It also meant I had to give myself the permission to feel at peace with my past actions, it was the most positive step that I could take towards living a life free from regrets, disappointments, and guilt.  The more I was able to remind myself that the true path to a peaceful mind and heart is through acceptance of every part of our lives and actions,  the more harmony and inner joy I experienced.


xammi-helping hand“Planning is helpful. If you don’t know what you want, you’ll seldom get it. But, no matter how well you plan, you will fare better if you expect the unexpected. The unexpected, by nature, comes unseen, unthought, unenvisioned. All you can do is plan to go unplanned, prepare to be unprepared, make going with the flow part of your agenda, for the most successful among us envision, plan, and prepare, but cast all aside as needed, while those who are unable to go with the flow often suffer, if they survive.”

― David W. JonesMoses and Mickey Mouse: How to Find Holy Ground in the Magic Kingdom and Other Unusual Places

How true, I had my agenda set, undergrad, marriage work in a hospital then 2 kids, of course my planning did not take me outside Karnataka, my imagination stretched maximum upto Madras. Even Bombay seemed a distant destination.

I landed in Goa, I discovered I had packed the wrong bag for my journey.  But somewhere along the lines I learnt, to have fun, and not take myself or anything that happens too seriously.

Another realization that came to me, that I had been to schooled to laugh to be open to people and adventures was against the tenets of life. Yet my daughters adored and always welcomed my best friend because she has them laughing. There are times when they have quietly considered calling my cousins Malathi or Ahalya just they have heard me laugh..

Where did I lose that laughter? I realized that I had become too attached to the outcome. Being less attached to outcome let me raise my energy levels, expand my perspective and lightened my load.

I have dedicated this week for “departing.”

The starting point is realizing that letting go is the dramatic moment we build sometime in the future but it is happening now in the present moment. And it is not singular but ongoing.  I realized that unless let go, unless I forgave myself and unless I forgive the situation realizing that it is over I cannot move forwards.

The departing and letting go could work on different levels. I just visited my cousins a fortnight go we grew up  so much so we knew exactly what each one of us was thinking and we all behaved in the exact same manner never mind four of us were boys.  But over the years the bonding is fraying and tensions have set it.

I realized somewhere during the conversation, that we had moved on, our attitudes and thinking  altering with the experiences of  our lives but we still wanted to experience our relationship as we did when we were sixteen year olds. We were not willing to let that go and move on to adult version of the same.  It has become necessary to let this go, simply for the reason that it is too heavy. As I let my sixteen year old self depart from the weights of this relationship from my ankle, my current self is open to the bonding and relationship with my cousins there is definitely more joy around.  Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are part of our history but not part of our destiny.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over.”
― Nicole SobonProgram 13

Demolishing the firewall.

resentment 1Demolishing The Firewall

For a longtime I felt I was dealing with anger, one day it occurred that I was in the wrong war. That is anger was not the issue resentment was.

Resentment is a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistant ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult or injury. When anger has no outlet it can morph into resentment and carries the potential to create greater damage.

Anger frankly when properly channelled is a great tool in our emotional palette. We all experience anger sometime or the other, the question is how do we deal with it? when we don’t express it, it morphs into resentment.resentment 2

Resentment I realized allowed me to assign blame for the pain I was feeling, that eased the pain, resentment had hidden relentlessly just below my awareness eroding my peace of mind. the target of my resentment grew wickeder in my mind with each pondering it was almost the manifestation of the vamana avatar, with the little feet compassing the universe!

When I took my certification CTRT I actually grasped the fact that aresentment was just another emotion and that was something that I eventually figured out that in harbouring the anger, bitterness and resentment towards those who hurt me, I was giving the reins of control over to them. Forgiving was not about accepting their words or deeds, it was about letting go and moving on with my life. When I did so I had finally set myself free.

resentment 3It was almost like letting someone live in my mind rent free. The hardest part was understanding letting go, it didn’t mean I didn’t care, or it was okay to hurt me, it meant, coming to terms with the realization that some people were part of my history but not of my destiny.

Once I was free of resentment, I had more energy and attention to devote to my personal development I could fill the space it left behind with unconditional acceptance and joy.

picture perfect

A friend of mine who was in the corporate HR section said, a common problem with appraisal forms was that the employees felt that doing a thing well was the criteria. But from the point of view of the structure

  • Completing the 10 schedule tasks – would mean okay he does his job. Meets expectations.
  • Completing 10 jobs and helping others do theirs  – would mean exceeds expectations.
  • 10+ 4 more would be excellent.

The criteria here is how much are you will go further. Getting through the check list is also important.

As artists perfectionism ruins our creativity. The idea is put it down first. Move on and let go. Once the picture is complete or the writing is done with then go work on the repairable. The desperate need to clean up begins when we are half way.

Just remember cerebration is the enemy of originality and achievement.