Must have been love

obelix in love
Image courtesy google.

Rushing through to catch the flight she realized was early, and sat down for the much needed cup of coffee, the man before her definitely a has been, fifty going on fifteen. Something very familiar about him.  He looked up at her, there seem to be an anticipation of recognition.

“Aren’t you, Jojo’s sister?”

“yes,” the voice the face they were familiar like a fading echo, at 50 she had got used being called her professional designation, and madam, “jojo’s sister heavens !!” she thought she had overcome it years ago.

“Okay you don’t recognize me,”

“Sorry”

“Ozzie..Machado”

Ozzie..Oswald Machado the youngest of the Machado brothers the only one who did not invoke a deep crush and puppy eyes. Maybe because he was the youngest, maybe because he was so every day, we met him at school, at the classroom, at the playground. He was the fall guy we handed to the teachers; he was guy who copied our homework.

“You know Olli don’t you” of she knew Oliver  the lead singer in the band, every matchmaking mama shook her head in despair, he was spending too much time with Seema Andrade, and  rehearsals than his studies he was already two grades lower than his peers, but Oliver brought home the laurel’s from every cultural meet.  Looking at him, she thought,”uh! Teenage crushes, it’s like flu, you find a remedy for it, and it lasts for a couple of days. If you don’t then it still lasts for a couple of days.”

Funny she thought there is always that one guy who gets a hold on you. Not like your best friend’s bother who gets you in a headlock the kind of hold. Or the little kid you’re busy babysitting who attaches himself to your leg kind of hold.  She was thinking epic here, life changing, the can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t do homework, can’t stop giggling, can’t remember anything but his smile kind of hold. Like Elizabeth Bennet and Mr.Darcy … like the song one sang into the hairbrush-microphone in the hostel on top of your lung with your roommates on a Saturday night… oh! Yes, the eighties chart busters, the songs that Olli and Seema sang, only we thought it was us instead of Seema, the Eternal Flame’s the Must Have Been Love’s and the Take My Breath Away’s.

indispireFunny she thought, if one looked up the dictionary, for the meaning of the word crush, it says, to break into powder or very small pieces by pressing, pounding, or grinding it. It could also be press or squeeze something so hard that it breaks or loses its share. That’s what happens with a crush, one literally saw stars, and every ragged breathe one took felt like one was trying to breathe through the broken glass. There is something about first love that defies duplication. Before it the heart is blank, unwritten, afterwards the walls are left inscribed and graffitied. When it ends no amount of scrubbing will purge the scrawled oaths and sketched images. But sooner or later one finds that there’s space for someone else, between the words and in the margin.

The Reluctant Learner

Somehow when I read this sentence the backlash of emotions and thoughts that appear in my space are crime and punishment, School, homework, and imposition. Yet it is an interesting thing to reflect on,

So maybe I should look at what have I accepted in my space. Some of them are sheer mundane things like when your eyesight goes quit driving. Don’t keep too many secrets eventually they’ll eat away at you. But the most valuable lesson I learnt was this…each day we get older and some of us get wiser, but there’s no end to our evolution. We are all a mess of contradictions, some of our traits work for us, and some don’t.  Over the course of a life time, people change but not as much as we think they do, nobody really grows up.

So maybe learning lessons is about living, and we live only if we grow, that’s a contradiction right, since we grow when we change, the only way we can change is when we learn, and we learn when we are exposed, and the only way that we can become exposed is when we throw ourselves out into the open. So that was the major learning, throwing myself out into the open.

As hypnotherapist, I ask my clients who come with relationship issues, what is the visual that emerges when we say love, and then the awareness is that the entire picture is flawed. But most often what does emerge is we have allowed ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. too much of the time we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us,  that is  people don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the side walk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us let ourselves be loved.

There are few times in our lives when all our instincts will tell us to do something, something that defies logic, upsets our plans, and may seem, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens maybe the best thing to do is to just do it, listening to our instincts and ignoring everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, and ignore the complications and just going for it. It would probably whip up a storm. But once the storm is over we won’t even remember how we made it through, how we managed to survive. Sometimes, we can’t really be sure that the storm is over. But one thing for certain. When we emerge out of the storm, we won’t be the same person who walked in. that’s what the storm is all about.

My grandmothers told me don’t forget hurtful things but forgive them. Well that is something that I have not been able to do, all the same I would probably rephrase it to… forgetting what hurt me in the past, but never forgetting the lesson that it taught me. however, if it taught me to hold on to grudges, seek revenge, not forgive or show compassion, to categorize people as good or bad, t distrust and be guarded with my feelings then I haven’t learnt a thing. Universe does not bring our lessons to close our heart. The universe brings our lessons to open, by developing compassion, learning to listen, seeking to understand instead of speculating, practising, empathy and developing conflict resolution through communication. If the universe brought me perfect people how, would I ever learn to spiritually evolve?

A year gone is an age advanced. And age is a seasoned trickster. To our parents we will always be children. Within us, the same yearning of youth, the same aspiration of adolescence will last a life time. Only to the young, blinded by our grey hair and slowing gait we appear old and increasingly beyond the pale. If there is a single lesson that life teaches it’s that wishing doesn’t make it so, it is being that is important, and being allows us the doing that brings the achievement. No matter how much we go through we do not want to let go of those memories.

violet flame
image courtesy google.

But the kickass learning I had, is instruction for living a life is extremely simple

Pay attention

Be astonished

Tell about it.

Laundry and life lessons.

picture courtsey internet
picture courtsey internet

Does sharing a load within the house hold lead to happier and better quality of household, of course it does, but it is just one part of the story. More I think is about acceptance and acknowledgement.

Lets look at the very scenario that that the prompt talks about, the husband gets ready and the wife is not ready since she has work to finish.  Well this looks like scene right out of a Hindi movie or an ancient women’s era story where  sister Sita is a focused house frau, and hence the marriage is strained, and sister Rita trots along and teaches her how to balance, home and husband.

Sure enough works fine. But ladies, we are now on the second level of the challenge…. balancing the house, and work. With all our visuals being bombarded by the set designers of the TV and Hindi movie scenario we seem to have some rather warped concept of living spaces.  The cruellest irony of housework, people only notice when you don’t do it.

Sunday’s for me became a day of celebrating with self pity and victimization. My husband would be busy with his work, and kids with their friends.  The ultimate declaration of my oppression was the festival of holi, food had to be ready, and there was the clause that cooking had to done after a bath. That meant, washing up after 12 noon, and then cooking lunch mind you a festive one at that, the traditional puri-mithai wallah. The drama went on till I accepted that the secret of surviving housework is simply to do it. pull the plug on the part of my brain that always want to negotiate everything. You  need to change a diaper rinse a bottle, clean a spill, fluff a pillow? Consider it done. It’s a no brainer. End of conversation, end of story. It meant not postponing chores-and spending any mental energy equivocating, temporizing or stalling- it is actually a lot more restful than worrying about what needs to be done.

All the same the deep sense of not being acknowledged was hurting. Then I had my burns accident. The seven months taught me that I was not indispensable, life went on, the things that had to done miraculously got reallocated. And hallelujah the lesson of life, I am not indispensable, and my family does know to chip in, when needed. So what stopped them all the my  revelation two—I ,me and myself this was such a shock, and an ego deflator, my halo no longer fitted me.  i had kind of become like a person who took control and that did not feel very pleasant.

The third revelation came here, the car washing, the scooter washing which was hard labour, all that was done by my husband. Well it was not as if he did not help in the house work just as my part was taken for granted his work was taken for granted too.

The fourth was revelation was I never asked for help so none came,  the exercise in delegation, and was a hard one, and then there is always this issue of my way and your way, it is even harder to accept that there could be another way of doing things that is just as efficient as mine if not more.

My Husband is not in the picture since he clicked it,
My Husband is not in the picture since he clicked it,

Getting one daughter to load the washing machine, and the other the dry the clothes. Getting one daughter to lay the table and the other clean up.  Small things to make wrapping house work faster.

It was not just about getting the family help, it was also about letting the family help. It was about balancing the structure. letting my daughters or husband buy the vegetable did not mean that I get disempowered, it means  that their energy is getting invested in the family, from a polarized, I and You we move to the zone of us.

Life lessons mwah mwah sweetie laundry loading—absolutely top hole—have to say.!!

“I am writing for the #ShareTheLoad activity at BlogAdda.com in association withAriel.”

https://parwatisingari.wordpress.com/2015/01/18/fa-diz-th-grottie-linen/

A moment of connect.

image courtesy Internet
image courtesy Internet

#DilKiDealOnSnapdeal

It was a hot afternoon in Hyderabad.

The auto stopped at a signal, and I  gazed around next to me was an auto with a family a father mother and a child of about 8yrs. She was drinking water. As she looked at me, I smiled, she turned self consciously the  other way.

The second signal she was drinking water again.

At the third her bottle was empty. Her mother was obviously annoyed and taking her to task in Telgu  the child  was looking at me, she looked so thirsty, and hassled I picked up a tetra pack of  a fruit juice that I had and handed it to her , she flashed a lovely smile and merrily attacked the tetra pack. Not for a moment did she  hesitate here she was accepting a drink from a stranger that too in signal, the signal could change any moment causing her to lose the drink.

It was a fleeting moment but yes there was that connect. The girl with lovely big eyes and spontaneous smile brightened my entire day.

When Blogadda invited to share a story when I followed my heart, this story just popped up to me. There was no soul searching, conflicts or nail biting moment. It was one of those moments that the universe gifts us, a moment of unadulterated spontaneity.

It was as if Life beckoned,” hey there,  pull up  a chair, take a taste, come join us. Life is so endlessly delicious.”

In a  few seconds the child gave me a gift, though I handed her the drink, I received the gift, when she allowed me to give her the drink .  It was  revisiting the space where life is for loving, sharing, learning smiling, caring, forgiving, laughing hugging, helping dancing wondering, healing and even more loving.  It was the moment the universe made me realize I had a choice, to live my life in never ending planning, goal setting, and frustration or live my life such a way that when I get out  of bed in the morning the devil says.”Aw shit he’s up.”

snapdealThis moment was nothing like the one in Tagore’ Kabuliwallah where Minnie’s father cuts down the wedding expenses to unite a father with his daughter,. Nor  was  it the altruistic sharing of the pending tea,  Pending tea works, like this, I go to a restaurant that offers pending tea facility I drink   my tea, and pay of another, this extra payment sponsors a needy person’s tea. This was a pure and simple impulsive gesture

To me impulsive means foolish. Yet if a person is not a little impulsive, they do not have a pulse. It has a charm of its own, just like deliberation has its appeal. Think about this each time we say hello to a stranger our heart  acknowledges over and over again that we are all family.

“I am participating in the #DilKiDealOnSnapdealactivity at BlogAdda in association with SnapDeal.”

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Shifting roles—supporting my partner.

image courtesy internet
image courtesy internet

Shifting roles—supporting my partner.

The past few days every body seems to going through this great debate about an irrelevant video made by an irresponsible movie maker.

On the other hand training the women at Oriflame I see women who are truly emancipated, women who have nurtured their families and now stepping out to another realm. Young girls who have made a choice to nurture their homes knowing fully well that they can claim their crown when they return after a decade or so.

Hyderabad mind you is muslim dominated and the prototype of a hyderabadi woman is oppressed, but what learnt from these women, is excellent. I did ask them about family approval and husband’s approval, whatever. Interestingly what they shared was something that my mother and others have already said or what I have experienced within my 24yrs of married lifet,

If we do look at any partnership, or long-term commitment two people in the relationship may shift in and out of various roles like one partner might require support to go back to school, to this  the others goals or aspiration may have to be adjusted to provide a stable base from which his or her her partner can launch in a new direction. Nurturing is feeling the pleasure of seeing a loved one thrive,when our partner expands horizons we expand ours too, we gain access to a world that is other wise closed to us.

But this does not mean only one partner soars, somewhere we do step back and let the other step out. This might be a period of healing, or spiritual growth or transition. But this happens usually without actual awareness or communication, but if this is done  consciously thenthe growth is better, the relationship stays stable because the ebb and flow in the relationship remains fair and equal.

What each of these women particularly in their mid forties or early fifties shared, was the growth in the relationship occurred when the equation altered. The equation altered when communication occurs. The shifts have been in synchrony with what works best for the moment, a simple daal chawal in front of the television or a  ritual daawat.

What was most important was acknowledging and gratitude.

Taking our turn to give people in Need

Taking  our turn to give people in Need

Dr.Prahalad is a good friend, when he was in town we went to visit another friend .Asha, who was a kind person, but though she did not mention it she subtly kept track of various kindness she doled out, if some one helped her daughter it was because, they loved her, or because of her son’s hospitality  in farway lands whatever, but never because the person who helped liked

Her friend vanaja had another grouse, “people take help and then forget about us”

On our way back prahalad  made an observation,” many times people don’t like to interact with people who helped them simply because they do not want to be reminded of the bad times. Yet  life is so simple  if can strike the right note. All that was needed was a little give and take.”

This kind of got me thinking.  We give from a desire to feel good about ourselves, than as a connect to people this happens quite many times. Quite a few times sometimes not even taking time to see who they really are. When I say who they are I mean without as much as making an eye contact. Some hand pops in front of you and you hand in the sandwich.

When a person is in need, they are so vulnerable, full of self doubt I know this because I have been there. those times the greatest gift that I could receive is acceptance. It also made me realize that the best gift that I could give to someone is need, is to meet the person without judgment and with the awareness that I am not superior to them simply because i was not currently in their position.

When I think about it, we all began life in need of lot of care and attention and many of us end life in the same way. giving and receiving are compainion energies that take turns throughout our lives and we all get a chance to be on both sides of the exchange from time to time.

I remember my grandmother telling someone, its okay if you cannot look after your mother right now, your sister is in a position to do so, tomorrow, when she needs help you help her out, not only as a sister, but also as a daughter whose mother she took care of.  What she meant is, when we lend a helping hand to others it is more with humbleness and gratitude towards people who have helped us, not anticipating returns in the future. We don’t give to get, but we get to give.

The gift inside — Life Packaging

chikkammanora gardi (4)Grandmother always told me that life is too small to learn from committing all the mistakes, so we learn from others mistakes and it would leave us free to commit our own.  Something very similar was told by husband’s Guruji, of the audhoot ashram kurukshetra—we do need to connect with people to harness life experiences.

We are all spiritual beings living in a human body though our packing seems different we are very the same, this spiritual leader was busy explaining this to us; I had read something like this in the book conversation with god.

What I did find difficult to accept that each person’s life is so completely different from the other, there really seems to be nothing in common. But this healer kept saying that we went deeper into observing we would see that all have the same things going on in our lives, as different lives are in essence the same gift wrapped in infinite variety of containers, wrapping papers, ribbons and bows. Now that seemed an interesting picture.

Each of us experience loss, grief, happiness, excitement, anger and fear. We could have money issues of one kind or the other, and struggle with difficult choices.  According to this healer life shows up differently for each one, because each learns in different ways. For example learning the value of money, one might need to have too little while another may learn by having more than enough.  What we learn about work, love, are through experiences these experiences are tailored to our particular perspective.

Though on the face it of it, it appears like someone is having things easily while others are struggling, the truth is everyone is learning, and it is difficult to tell the internal conflicts on the exterior.

This makes cultivation relationships with people from different walks of life important. We learn from people, who seem so different from us, we get to see and maybe understand how life’s challenges and joys are universal. The packages like complexion, style, preferences and socio-economic differences have to set aside. Of course it is important to honour and value the differences in packing, but it is just as important to honour the gift of life inside each one of us and the fact that no matter how different the package, the gift inside is the same.