Kerry looked into the chat group.
Chudamani was being made the director of the Guwahati Museum.
Neeraja was taking over the Raj Bhavan Museum.
The spontaneous reaction was jealousy. … how many times had she heard “madha, matsara” jealous was a bad emotion. Don’t feel jealous of others etc. etc.
But Kerry knew the sense of feeling threatened. It was like everyone is moving ahead and she was stuck in this place where she was bound.
There were angry tears flowing down her cheek, the result of anger, frustration and so many other things all popping at the same time.
“its unfair I have to do so many things, and Neeraja gets what I wanted, Chudamani gets what I would have loved”
The flowing tears, seem to tire her eyelids, then she closed her eyes, tears continuing to flow. Somewhere she drifted, it was the house that old house that represented the place that her father called home. It was in fragments, but there were slabs of “veeragallu” still around. As she wandered around the “jagali” or the open corridor, she could hear voices from the Kitchen,
“Adu bekantha maadikondaddu” great-grandmother Padmamma was gossiping about someone who according to her was responsible for her own downfall. Kerry felt her breathing become laborious and walking becoming more and more difficult.
The conversation went on about Kittamma next door who was jealous about her sister’s achievement and the women concluded that Kittamma had no reason to be jealous it was just that she did not take action.
Kerry woke up with a start a bee had stung her, it was as if the sting brought her the epiphany.
Why was she jealous of Chudamani and Neeraja… the answer was spontaneous because they had what she coveted—nobody had stopped Kerry from achieving those, “but the choices I made” she realized she was like the elephant that was chained, after awhile even if the elephant was unchained it was unable to move.
Thera Narada in book mentioned that jealousy was not a dukka if we knew how to convert it to meetha. And the meetha of jealousy was “goal” nothing wrong, the energy exchange for her skill was of course money and in her space money bought power and autonomy.
How did Chudamani and Neeraja move there faster? Because of their choices when we make a decision with total faith and commitment the universe works to bring it. Kerry’s reset began with a call from her friend or rather the only person who would point the blind spot to her
“Hey Kerry how did your birthday go? Did you manage to escape?’ Premanshu had asked.
“it was a joke…. My family escaped from me…I was left alone in the house” Kerry had replied full of self-pity and god knows what.
“wow Kerry” Premanshu retorted, “ you definitely are chosen the universe gives you me time, without having to spend from your pocket”
The second Bee-sting moment… what was that she was missing? What if her story had another dimension. How could she change her story to Chudamani’ s or Neeraja’s story? In the first place did she want their story.
Neeraja’s broken marriage, was the price she paid. And Chudamani’ s freedom from the yoke of mothering came from her acceptance of her children being adult. She was there for them, but she was definitely not going to hang around in anticipation.
Like Shobha Devraj had mentioned there was no point in filling the gratitude check of the universe without looking for a job or writing your start up proposal. Kerry could work with curating small workshops on art and art appreciation. She could do those online lessons but when she planned she had to allot time for that too.
The chain fell off her leg. What did Neeraja or Chudamani do differently
They took initiative, they took rejection.
They took advice.
They read their mail, they planned their day, their day included the me time, the study time, the recording time. Their journeys were spiritual and physical simultaneously. They did with all dedication what they believed in, they honoured their word like they honoured themselves. This was her reset.
Kerry, opened her gratitude book and wrote
Thank you Chudamani for making me jealous and showing me the need to commitment to my goals.
Thank You Neeraja for teaching me that commitment and integrity was the path of for autonomy.
Thank You Premanshu for showing me my blind spot.
Thank You Shobha for showing me the path.